xXx: Return of Xander Cage
Directed by: D.J. Caruso
Written by: F. Scott Frazier - Based on the characters created by Rich Wilkes
Starring: Vin Diesel, Donnie Yen, Deepika Padukone, Kris Wu, Ruby Rose, Tony Jaa, Nina Dobrev, Rory McCann, Toni Collette, Michael Bisping, Tony Gonzalez, Samuel L. Jackson, Ice Cube, Hermione Corfield, Neymar
Action/Adventure/Thriller - 107 min Reviewed by Charlie Juhl on 20 Jan 2017
Written by: F. Scott Frazier - Based on the characters created by Rich Wilkes
Starring: Vin Diesel, Donnie Yen, Deepika Padukone, Kris Wu, Ruby Rose, Tony Jaa, Nina Dobrev, Rory McCann, Toni Collette, Michael Bisping, Tony Gonzalez, Samuel L. Jackson, Ice Cube, Hermione Corfield, Neymar
Action/Adventure/Thriller - 107 min Reviewed by Charlie Juhl on 20 Jan 2017
xXx: Return of Xander Cage is trying to capitalize on the baffling success of the Fast and Furious franchise. Xander Cage and Dominic Toretto are mostly interchangeable; they are on repeat emphasizing the importance of family and your bros, and they growl most of their lines in deliberate, baritone syllables making sure they can pronounce the words correctly. Just as he skipped the second Fast and Furious installment, Vin Diesel (Furious 7) also skipped the second xXx in 2005 when Ice Cube took over. I understand why the studio had to churn out a xXx sequel 12 years ago; the first one accidentally became a blockbuster. After xXx: State of the Union crashed and burned, we all thought the series was dead, and then just as the man digs up xXx in the film to come back and take on some bad guys only he can handle, xXx: Return of Xander Cage slithers out of B-movie purgatory inflicting untold forehead-slapping garbage upon the audience as xXx skis down jungle cliffs, chases a bad guy on a motorcycle morphing into a jet ski, and has time to chuckle, “I live for this” as he jumps out sans parachute of a C-17 plummeting to the ground.
The script for this derisive punchline is mind-blowing. When xXx gets to pick his crew to retrieve some satellite crashing container hard drive thing, he picks a cool looking DJ, a cool looking sniper girl, and a cool looking former rugby player who loves crashing cars. These characters are not from any previous xXx film; they are invented so they can try and ‘out cool’ each other acting unimpressed and nonchalant as they spit one-liners and eye roll everything. The satellite crashing device is beside the point; it has the same personality as everybody else in the film, plastic and blank. Also, rule of thumb, if your action movie starts in space, it probably does not understand space, orbits, and physics, so writers such as F. Scott Frazier should probably leave it alone. The writers’s name is F. Scott Frazier? That’s about as subtle as xXx’s favorite coat.
The script for this derisive punchline is mind-blowing. When xXx gets to pick his crew to retrieve some satellite crashing container hard drive thing, he picks a cool looking DJ, a cool looking sniper girl, and a cool looking former rugby player who loves crashing cars. These characters are not from any previous xXx film; they are invented so they can try and ‘out cool’ each other acting unimpressed and nonchalant as they spit one-liners and eye roll everything. The satellite crashing device is beside the point; it has the same personality as everybody else in the film, plastic and blank. Also, rule of thumb, if your action movie starts in space, it probably does not understand space, orbits, and physics, so writers such as F. Scott Frazier should probably leave it alone. The writers’s name is F. Scott Frazier? That’s about as subtle as xXx’s favorite coat.
The bad guys are a bit more interesting and that is only because it is refreshing to watch Donnie Yen (Rogue One: A Star Wars Story) and Tony Jaa jump around and yell to escape Vin Diesel’s one note nonsense. Toni Collette (The Boxtrolls) shows up as the CIA person in charge of something and probably has her fingers crossed nobody shows up to the theater to watch this thing. Return of Xander Cage is the third pile of poop to ooze out of this franchise and it doesn’t even try anymore. The first one attempted to take itself seriously. xXx had to weigh the value of a girl’s life vs. the value of saving the many. This time they just make up characters at a moment’s notice to squeeze them in if they need somebody standing around looking cool some more.
Think I am being overly harsh here? Should I just ‘accept if for what it is’ as I am often told to do when it comes to films people already know are awful but are specifically made for a niche audience? I brought backup. xXx tells a young boy, “The world is big, but it always fits in your heart.” This comes after xXx valiantly steals some TV tower gizmo so the locals can watch free soccer. He looks up with an amused grin and says, “The things I do for my country” when six scantily clad ladies close the tent flaps and appear to line up for xXx to satisfy them all at the same time. If xXx throws someone out of a plane mid-flight, it’s, “Be sure to send a postcard!” A high schooler in creative writing class would receive a failing grade for the exact same material.
Director D.J. Caruso, who had a mild Shia LaBeouf crush with his films Disturbia and Eagle Eye, tacks on a last minute theme about the dangers of domestic surveillance shoved into a closing speech that is neither supported by the film we just watched or even responded to by another character. Everybody is far too busy with looking cool and nodding in agreement that “X takes care of its own.” Dominic Toretto would be so pissed caricature rip-offs blatantly steal his mantra.
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